queer-gnome:

When I first came out I was told that my dysphoria would gradually disappear as I had medical interventions. I thought this was great news, I figured that since I had no genital dysphoria I would only need HRT and Chest Reconstruction to feel 100% male*.  ( I no longer think of medical transition as becoming a man but as a series of interventions to reduce dysphoria caused by gender/body incongruence)

I was given bad advice. 

My experience of dysphoria has been much more complex than this. When I started HRT my dysphoria dropped really fast and almost went away for a little while. Except that after a few months my chest really started to bother me.  My whole body would squirm and it felt like my skin was crawling as I became aware of my breasts more and more often. 

Then after I had top surgery my dysphoria dropped again, I mean I wasn’t happy with my result (to the point of sobbing at a mirror 6 months post op) but at least I didn’t have to bind anymore. I figured so long as I looked ok in my clothes and nobody could tell I was trans then I was happy. 

Incorrect. 

As time went on I the all pervading dysphoria came back, I had no relationship with my own body and up til this point all of my transition had been done to deal with the outward problems of others perceptions of my gender. At this point for me, transition isn’t about gender. It’s about incongruence & dysphoria….

My social *gender* dysphoria has now been resolved which has brought to light the root of my gender incongruence. My body, as in my own relationship to it.

I’ve been so consumed with chest dysphoria that I’ve lost all relationship with my body. I have been alienated from it as a defense mechanism to stop me from totally crumbling. This suppression of a physical relationship with myself meant that by the time I noticed the dysphoria related to my genitals it was screaming at me. 

I’ve had bouts of needing to use a prosthetic in the past, or times when I wished I could STP or penetrate in sex but I figured these were niggles and that maybe at most I might benefit from metoidioplasty. It turns out those niggles were the same type of warning signs I was having in the lead up to going from being post top surgery to having full blown incapacitating dysphoria relating to my chest. It went something like this:

-”oh well, I mean it isn’t perfect now but it’ll flatten as it heals”

-”Hmmm. I should probably work out my chest to flatten some of this saggy skin”

-”working out hasn’t done much, I guess I should give it more time, at least it’s better than binding, even if I can’t take my shirt off in public”

-” You know this saggy skin kinda looks like very small boobs..and I can’t get rid of it. I might have to start taping in in summer because I look like a saggy old man when I wear T-Shirts/Vests”

-”No but really I look like I have tits?!!! This isn’t what it was meant to look like!! GEt it off me! How the fuck am I supposed to cope with this saggy awful wonky chest! My body still looks like a woman! Get it off me!!!”

This progression took around 18 months, it was insidious and all consuming, I hear phrases similar to that last one ringing in my head every single day and none of my coping mechanisms for anxiety of other MH issues have any effect. 

The problem with my lower dysphoria is that I was still so consumed with my chest that by the time I noticed what was happening it was already traumatic. 
It finally became unignorable while I was having sex a few months ago. I couldn’t get off, nothing felt right and I stormed out of the room crying and immediately found my packer (which had been sat in a drawer for months). I recognised these feelings and sobbed, I don’t want to have to have multiple surgeries to alleviate this. I don’t want to have major recovery, and lots of scars. I really don’t! I’ve done plenty of research into phalloplasty options and the end result is *exactly* what I want. It will make such a difference to my life. But it’s not something I wanted to have to do.

I now have to pack everyday and sometimes even pack whilst sleeping. I’ve had to devise a way to jerk off using my packer so that it bumps up against my current anatomy because I can’t touch or engage with what I already have unless I’m showering. Sitting to pee is becoming a chore that causes me distress, I’ve found myself accidentally putting off peeing a lot recently. 

In many ways, I’m happy and optimistic one way or another my chest dysphoria will be resolved and the same for my genitals but one thing is for certain. The dysphoria I had when I started this process of transition is a very different shape from my dysphoria now. some things are incomparably better and no longer an issue but other things are either worse or are brand new dysphoria triggers that I wasn’t even aware of. This isn’t a smooth proccess of upward progress towards a 100% dysphoria free life. It changes and evolves as I did. I do hope that one day, probably a few years after my final stage of phallo when all my healing is done, my dysphoria will be minimal and not something that invades my daily thoughts. I do think that when this is all over I will have a body that I can feel in tune with, it’s something I already work hard on despite my brain shouting at me about it.  But this idea of transition as the route to unwavering body congruence and happiness is a myth and we, as trans men, need to be more honest about that.